On Labels and Identity

With National Coming Out Day just passing, I've been thinking a lot about labels. This is probably helped by the fact that I've read quite a few blogs, status updates and what-have-you that have talked about people's experiences in regards to coming out - and the comments these revelations have inspired.

I'm bisexual. I think that I've always known this, although I didn't actually come out until I was 16. It has now been over a decade since that happened and, while the actual experience of coming out was not a good one, I am very happy to be able to feel like I don't have to hide who I am from the people who are close to me.  This is not to say that everyone I tell handles the information with maturity and respect (although I have found that the percentage of people who take the news poorly has gotten significantly less the older I get), but I no longer fear telling people and am firm in the belief that anyone who would use this as a reason to not be my friend is not a friend I would want anyway.


One of the strangest things that I have discovered since coming out is the hatred that people have for labels - and, especially, the hatred that they have for being labeled.  When I came out as a bisexual, I was shocked to find people of all other sexualities censuring me for my use of the word.  I had people tell me that there was no such thing as "bisexuals" and that I was either just a slut who'd sleep with anyone or confused and would eventually pick one side or the other.  I have learned, over the course of reading this past week, that there's even a term for this behavior: bi-erasure.  That's how common it is.

Due to this, or perhaps to something else, I find a lot of people refusing to identify as bisexual.  They'll say they're straight, or gay, depending on which gender they are more commonly attracted to.  I have also heard a lot of people say that they don't identify with any label, that you can't put someone in a box, that they can't understand how genitalia can make a difference in who you love.  I have seen people get angry at other people for labeling them as bi just because they are attracted to both sexes.  This is the label-hate I was talking about earlier and, to be honest, I think it's just another form of bi-erasure.  Only it's one that we're perpetrating on ourselves, which, in a way, makes it even more heinous.

Sexuality is all about pheromones.  You are attracted to people who release the correct pheromones for the receptors in your brain.  In truth, their genitalia often isn't the issue - I don't know a lot of people who are in love with their partners' junk - but their attractiveness for you is.  You can say that you are attracted to big, buff men with full beards and a gruff voice but the truth is that someone can be all of those things and you could still not feel that spark.  You might feel the spark with someone who is none of those things.  Granted, there are often trends in who you are attracted to (the biggest, of course, being gender) but this is what it all comes down to.

Starting from that platform, your sexual identity becomes a scientific issue.  Do you have the receptors for men?  For women?  For both?  Depending on your answer and your personal gender this will determine whether your are hetero-, homo- or bisexual.  It's as simple as that, to me.  Now, whom you choose to date within that very large grouping or which sex appeals to you more (if you are bi) is all personal and will be the things that help you to define yourself as a sexual person.  I just seriously can't understand why people are so violently opposed to the very idea of falling within that third category - I have very rarely seen such label-resistance from someone who fell into one or the other of the first two.  So why the bi-hate, especially from people who are bisexual?

I think it's because of the negative stereotyping.  So many people, when they are faced with a label that has negative connotations, will try to side-step the label rather than change people's perspectives.  This I can understand, to a point.  It's hard to change the perceptions of those around you.  Sometimes, it's impossible.  It's easier to side-step the issue, to say you're straight or gay rather than engage in the fight that comes with being bi.  But "easier" doesn't always mean "right".

Everyone, obviously, will choose what to do with their life and their choices.  No matter your sexuality, you will choose to share it with those you feel comfortable with and will probably hide it when you feel you will be attacked for it.  I am by no means a saint in this area.  I once (pretty recently, actually) hid at a party because one of the guests (who had made sure that everyone was aware that he was a homosexual male) made a "joke" of pushing away the house's cat and saying "Ugh, I hate pussy!" to the laughter of the rest of his friends.  I, being both a) a woman and b) someone who likes women, felt so extremely uncomfortable that I went to a part of the house where almost no one was and hid from this man and his friends until it was time to go home.  So I can't say that everyone should always stand up and be proud of their sexuality - although it would be nice if we could!  But what I can say is that I think that refusing to call yourself bisexual (if you are, obviously), getting angry when other people say you are bi and trying to come up with a new word or phrase or what-have-you to explain why you are interested-in-both-sexes-but-are-most-certainly-not-bi is merely perpetrating the bi-erasure and hatred that is so abhorrent to us in others.

Try looking at it from the perspective of someone who's still in the closet.  A young person, who realizes they like both boys and girls, tries to find out more about what this means for them and their sexuality.  They find the term "bi" and think that finally there's a word for people like them - there are other people like them! - and they begin attempting to talk to other people about this.  But everyone they talk to refuses to call themselves bi.  They say "I don't like labels, I just like who I like!" or they spout off with "I'm mostly straight, with a little bit of gay".  Now here's the kid, who thought that they had found a group to finally belong to, and they're finding that the group is all full of people who refuse to acknowledge kinship with them by accepting the "label" of bisexual.  Labels aren't just something for people to "put you in a box".  They're also a way in which we find kinship with others, a way in which we connect to people who are like us.  True, labels can be used to hurt, but they can also be used to foster a sense of community and togetherness that I fear is sorely lacking for bisexuals.  And they let the rest of the community know that that group exists, they are there and they need to be recognized.  If you are just an individual without any labels you lose a lot of the power that comes from being in a group, and that can mean that there's no one there to stand beside you when you are dealing with discrimination or prejudice.

I say don't discard a label just because it might be difficult to carry it.  Don't throw it away because other people have chosen to make it into something to stereotype and deride you for.  Use it as a platform to change people's minds, to band together and make a difference.  This doesn't just apply to sexuality, it's also to many other groups.  An example that comes to mind is the word "witch".  So many people who are Wiccans actively run from the term and it's negative connotations, but I say own it!  I tell people "I'm a witch" and do what I can to live my life as a positive example of what that term means to me.  When someone says something that relates to a negative stereotype with that word, I try to gently correct them.  I hope that by doing this someday a lot of the misconceptions about witchcraft will be overturned.  And that's what I think should also happen with the phrase "bisexual".  I'll continue to wear my label proudly (as much as I can) and when people accuse me of being a slut, or being confused, I'll do what I can to correct this misconception.  And then, maybe someday, the word "bisexual" will be just another word that people use to try to form their identities, rather than something that people hide away from to avoid being treated as a lesser being.